Effective Birth Conrol

Nothing will make you want to get vasectomy more than walking into West End bakery on a Sunday morning with a severe hangover. I would estimate that the adult to child ratio is something like four kids to every adult. I could barely walk straight to begin with, and having to navigate a sea of screaming children running around all hopped up on cinnamon rolls is not the way I wanted to start out my day. Don't get me wrong, I like kids, I usually identify more with them then I do my own adult friends. It's the twenty four hour job of parenthood that scares me, I mean I can go for a couple of hours reading and playing make believe, but eventually the internal urge to escape to a bar where I can smoke cigarettes and gamble on professional sports will overpower my need to be "Uncle Rocky".

I have been quite scared of the whole pregnancy thing lately, I have had about nine friends (no exaggeration) tell me in the last year that they are going to be parents. With the exception of my own brother, all of them were unexpected occurrences with their unwed partners. Sinners. I would like to say that all of this is the underlying reason why I have been off my game lately and unable to close some ass, but I'm sure it has more to do with my increasing obesity and my sour attitude that is increasing at an alarming rate. I mean I hate condoms and in the past have relied heavily on my ability to make woman laugh and believe that I'm a good guy (a.k.a good father material) to get laid, not a good combination. Slipping one past the goalie would be an utterly devastating event for me right now.

The latest couple in my long line of friends to announce their current state of procreation did so under some very auspicious circumstances. They rented a bar for a "birthday party" and had a whole buffet set up, it was a cruel trick to get degenerates like me there. I like both of them and all, but being reminded of how old my friends are getting really brings me down. So if it were not for the free food I probably would not have been there. About and hour into the party they announced that they were indeed pregnant and engaged as a result. BAM! Number nine, another one bites the dust. The most disconcerting part of the whole situation is that about three months beforehand my friend, the one with the baby inside her, was in my bed before she got together with her baby's daddy. We got drunk and ended up rolling around my King sized bed for a few hours. I mean shit it could have been me, luring my friends in announce that I would be a dad. I would have made a huge spectacle of it though, perhaps with a game of charades where we use props and special effects to show people what was going to go down nine months from now, and I definetly would have charged a cover.

The irony of the situation is that last night one of my pregnant couple friends tried to set me up with a very attractive friend of theirs. They had invited her over while we were watching an NFL playoff game. Good call. Woman always find me attractive when I am drunk and screaming profanities at a television set. The fact that there was a pregnant woman there did not help either. There was a pregnancy vibe to the air, not a good situation to be introduced to a woman in. I mean even though their friend was very attractive and more than likely a good person to be around, every time she talked or looked at me all I could hear was a voice inside my head saying over and over "She wants your semen. She wants your semen."

I used to look at the vagina as perhaps the most beautiful of god's creations, A wonder of the world. I could spend a life time looking at one, caressing it, bringing it pleasure, but now it is a different story. I see the vagina as god's cruel joke. I was born unto this world with an obsession to constantly seeking them out, often time for devious and perverse reasons, but I now see that it is a trap. I now think of the vagina as a good friend that I once had,but have been betrayed by, forsaken to never make amends. I wonder if there are any woman out there who are strictly into oral sex, or even anal. I am sure there are, but they are probably all with pro athletes and rock stars. I am a doomed man.