No Quarter

I threw a hamburger in a chick's face once. It was pretty classic. I was on a road trip with a few dozen boozers who decided to pack a couple of vans up and go to six flags one nice summer afternoon. There was talk of a fully stocked condo with a private hot tub. All I know is that I was corralled into a vehicle with about six lesbians and one semi straight chick that I was all about at the time. I remember only a few things about the trip there like being packed in like sardines and the ungodly amount of tequila. But the one thing I will never forget is the constant bickering. As cool as these women seemed to be, they could just not stop being emotionally challenged.

There was one chick in particular that would not shut up, and she made it obvious that she did not like the occasional hetero make out session that I was initiating in the back seat. I'll call her Sappho, mostly because at the time I perceived her as being desired by all the others in the group. She was actually dating a good friend of mine who I think was fed up with her at the time. I could never figure out why they got together, Sappho seemed like a psycho, whereas my friend was a normal woman. I cursed myself for falling into this situation.

By the time we got to the condo four hours later, everyone was on the blitz. It was like that scene in Caddyshack when they let the employees into the pool. Clothes were off, furniture was broke and drugs were being consumed in large quantities out in the open. Pure madness, and through it all Sappho, could just not have a good time. It was some lesbo shit about not getting enough attention from mommy I guess. I mean at one point the hot tub, which was by no means private, was filled with naked lesbians that were starting to get real friendly with each other. I mean I was fucking stoked to witness the debauchery, and so were most of the people there, but Sappho was still upset.

Well after a little persuasion from the a couple of security guards, we decided to take the party inside the condo. We soon found out that the place was devoid of food and beverage and after some debate I got nominated to drive out and get as much beer and as many burgers as a hundred bucks would buy. I'll tell you what, it buys a shitload of burgers and beer. I'll tell you something else, I should not have been driving. The van was packed up with a few adventurous souls including Sappho who merely wanted to escape my friends at the condo who had busted out the heavy drugs. Well an hour later we were still cruising around, we had gotten some beer (we were thirsty) and had yet to pick up any food. There hot bi chick that I was with suggested we go to a strip club. I'll tell you what, if a woman that you are about to have sex with wants to go to a strip club, go. There is no better way to ensure that you are about to have some of the wildest sex ever.

Well wouldn't you know Sappho was not thrilled about it. I calmly explained that she could wait in the car while me and my girl got freaky with some strippers. The tension was building, I was not about to be cock blocked by a pissy lesbian. Well after asking around we found a strip club, which actually turned out to be a straight up brothel. I mean I was excited and so was my girl, they took couples and credit cards. What more could you ask for?

But no Sappho wasn't having it. Quite frankly neither was the rest of the crew, but Sappho took it really personally, and was disgusted with me. She started bringing out the big guns like "degenerate", "scumbag" and "chauvinist" . I don't even know what a chauvinist is. We got back to the condo after stopping for food and everyone was impressed with quantity of disgusting burgers we had=. I don't think they realized that we had been gone for almost two hours. No one even ate them, they just sat around and got even more inedible.

The party went on into the morning hours with people crawling into dark corners to get some sleep . It was an open loft so there was no where to really go except the floor, but I was lucky enough to score a couch and a sheet. There were people doing lines like ten feet away listening to hair metal while I got involved in some serious dry humping action on that tiny couch. All of a sudden out comes Sappho from the darkness. She had become completely unhinged. She started screaming at the top of her lungs, her eyes were a deep red and her hair was standing straight up.

"Turn off the fucking music. There are people trying to sleep. What the hell is wrong with you guys?"

I immediately burst into laughter, which was a mistake as it turns out. She had turned to me and came attacking.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?"

I wanted to answer, I wanted to tell her what I was laughing at. I mean I thought that it was obvious what I found funny, but I would have gladly explained it to her.

I started to speak but before I could say a word she jerked the sheet of me, exposing my companion's toplessness and my raging hard boner. She started to walk away with the sheet. I guess she thought it was her war prize. She had another thing coming. I jumped up woody and all, and grabbed the closest thing next to me, which happened to be a disgusting burger soaked with beer and a cigarette stubbed out in it.

"Hey Sappho, eat it"
She turned and I wound up like Roger Clemens in the early days. I can still see it now, replaying in my mind; her face turning with a scowl, her scowl changing into complete shock and then helplessness. The burger became weightless in the air, floating gently across the room and compacting directly on her face. Even to this day I can close my eyes and a grin comes across my face as I play the image over and over in my mind. It was epic, the stuff dreams are made of.

Sappho ended up being restrained by some of the larger dykes and I was blamed for generally ruining the whole weekend because of that single incident. People especially my friends would not stop bringing it up and reminding all the women what a pig I was. Those that did not hate me for it, hated me the next day when I started a fire extinguisher fight at the amusement park and accidentally soaked an old lady in a wheelchair.

Today I saw my friend that was dating Sappho back then, she was at my favorite Mexican cantina during lunch. I found out that not only did she dump Sappho after that trip, but she hopped of the ferry boat to the island of Lesbos and set sail on the S.S. Cockrider. I guess I can consider that vindication, but I'm still bitter.