Alright it's official, next month I will be spending a week or so in Miami. I will spare the exact details of who, what, and why, but let's just say it pertains to business. I will be staying on the Top Floor of a five star hotel in a room overlooking Biscayne bay a couple of blocks from downtown. In order to be prepared I have to get started on a few things.
First, I must drop a few pounds, I mean I am fat and pale people. The last time I checked hot ass Latin supermodels were not into chubby pale dudes. So I joined the gym. That's right I joined the YMCA. I know that some of you are thinking "well that's just not like Rocky at all." But the fact is that being a member of this health conscious group is just another arena to get involved in some ridiculous adventures. Besides, do you know how nice it is to slap on some headphones and just stare at all the tail walking around the place? I highly suggest it, if you have the means. Which I don't really, but something will come through I am certain of that.
So in trying to drop a few pounds in preparation for this trip I had an epiphany. What better way to drop a few pounds then stocking up on pills? Normally one would have to spend a bunch of cash to buy pharmaceutical drugs on the street, but i went right to the source. I made all the calls and had three appointments set up for yesterday.
First stop the free clinic. After waiting for about an hour in the lobby watching kids with old coats and dripping noses bother the old geezers who were coughing up chunks of lung, I was called into the exam room. It was an older doctor, most likely retired. Perfect.
"What seems to be the problem?"
I went into a speech about how I used to have insurance and I had hurt my back causing sciatic problems. But now I was broke and with out insurance and it was acting up quite a bit. I told him how I worked for commission now and I have missed a few days of work. The whole time squeezing my face in agony. He did some flexibility tests and I feigned pain at all the right moments. You see I did have back problems once, but they never came back.
"I think it is your sciatic. You should get an MRI, we can set one up for you, and it will be covered by the clinic."
"In the mean time I am going to give you a prescription for muscle relaxers."
"Alright doc, but I don't know about the MRI, last time I had one of those I became completely unhinged. I started sweating and shaking and they had to do it over twice."
I crossed my fingers.
"Well we can get you some Xanax too, but just for that day."
"That would probably help, and trust me doc I want to get healthy and not be on medication at all, but I gotta get back to work."
SCORE! I had played the cards perfectly. He wrote out the prescriptions and I was on my way. The best part is that all of this including getting the prescriptions filled cost me less than thirty bucks. I love the welfare state.
Next stop; the shrink, another charitable organization flipping the bill for my devious lifestyle. I again found myself in the lobby waiting, this time it was a bunch of average looking people. After looking around I realized that the place was actually a substance dependency center and that they took care of court mandated DUI rehabilitation. Shit, I though that for sure this was going to be tough. I had walked into the belly of the beast. Surely these people could smell the addiction on me and were onto my game. I sat and contemplated surrender and retreat.
Right when i was about to get up I saw these morbidly obese woman walk through the door. She was out of breath from the one flight of stairs and was talking dramatically on her cell phone. She was obviously over emotional and constantly flustered. I watched as she went into one of the offices. "Oh please lord let that be the shrink I have to see and I will do your work for my whole life." I have no shame.
I waited and sure enough, I got sent into the large woman's office. It really wasn't that hard, I basically told her the truth about my life. The excessive drinking, the meglomaniacal thoughts, the sleepless nights and my philosophy that this world is riding the shit tornado to oz. I even added that I eat because I am depressed and that I am depressed because I eat. I swear I saw her eyes swell with that one. The only real lie was when I said that I wanted to change all that.
She immediately had me meet with the nurse practitioner who prescribed Ambien and some antidepressant shit. I was hoping for more Xanax, but I would gladly take as much Ambien as they would doll out. Again this all cost me with the price of filling the prescriptions less than thirty dollars.
I was a bit upset that I did not score a large dose of Xanax or any opiate products. I plan on going back right before my trip and telling them that the antidepressant doesn't work and that i have to get on a plane and might have a panic attack. They will definitely take mercy on me then.
When I got back to the office that afternoon, the in house chatty Cathy had to know exactly where I had been. I said the doctor and of course she wanted to now what it was for.
"You don't have strep do you? My sister's boyfriend has strep and he gave it to her so I said you can't come over because I have to work and my husband is too busy to get sick or god forbid stay home and take care of the kids....." She would not shut up. Eventually there was a pause and I said " I have a bad back, it's killing me right now."
"oh, well I have a bunch of pain killers at home that I'll never use, they make me sick. I'll bring them for you tomorrow."
The lord works in mysterious ways. Miami Vice here I come.
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